The end of dating apps? Why singles are no longer looking for love online

You want a partner. But flirting apps frustrate them. Why more and more people are no longer actively looking for a relationship there - and what that can be good for.

The thing with the park was a low point for Johanna Winter. As so often before, the 35-year-old, who actually goes by a different name, wanted to arrange a meeting with a man on a dating app. Everything was going well until it came to choosing a meeting place. Winter suggested a park by the water. "He ended the contact by saying that he wasn't a park person and that it would never work out with us," she says, still a little puzzled.

That's online dating in a nutshell: amazing. In the sense of: Amazing how recklessly people who are supposedly looking for love can behave. For Winter, the typical life cycle of an online flirt - choosing a man from the flood of men there, writing back and forth somewhat unmotivatedly and finally ghosting, i.e. simply not getting in touch - was so frustrating at some point that she practically stopped using the apps and hardly ever looks at them anymore.

"I deleted all the apps"

Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Hinge and many similar portals have long since become the first port of call for singles. They define the flirting and dating culture - and are frustrating more and more people. So much so that some of them are banning dating apps from their lives, if only for a while. Eugen Herzog, who has been without a partner for five years and also uses a pseudonym here, is one of them. "I've deleted all the apps. People put on a lot of show online, maybe I do the same. Everyone wants to be contacted, but doesn't get in touch or doesn't agree to meet up. There's no real commitment," says the 42-year-old.

Winter, who has been single for seven years, has been on dates, but: "I've never got past the first date online, partly because I've rarely met anyone there who was happy with their life." The men, she says, also often resembled each other visually. "They remind me of the boy from the children's chocolate shop, only 40 years later. They don't seem really grown up or like they're in the middle of a life crisis."

Love is also a matter of luck

According to psychotherapist Vera Schweiger, anyone who, like Winter and Herzog, has experienced too often how anticipation turns into disappointment when dating online can feel "enormous pressure on the psyche". "There are often a lot of hopes associated with the apps. But then you are judged, suddenly ignored. If you're already afraid of rejection due to past experiences or problems with your self-esteem, this can confirm such fears," she explains.

What's more, no matter how much we are used to it in other areas of life, finding a partner can only be optimized to a limited extent. You can't materialize the perfect match even after revising your online dating profile for the umpteenth time. "If you get involved, you should be aware that it can be a long, arduous journey that is not necessarily crowned with success," says Schweiger. A bit like the lottery, you can experience quick luck - or never have six correct numbers.

"That sounds like work to me"

This is another reason why Schweiger advises against giving apps too much space. "I often see in counseling that people go on more and more dates and neglect the things that already fulfill their lives - hobbies, friends, family - in return. It's easier to deal with rejection if I get a sense of achievement from other areas of my life, such as a nice evening out with friends."

For Rike Schmidt, who, like the others, doesn't want to go by her real name, this was one reason why she didn't install a flirting app in the first place after her break-up a year ago. "When friends and colleagues tell me about their experiences there, I think: Five dates a week? That's work. In general, I need to see, hear and feel people in order to develop a feeling. For example, I don't order clothes online," says the 45-year-old. A colleague even advised her to only meet people via apps if she didn't like them, otherwise she would be disappointed anyway.

Don't put anything off

The sheer endless supply of potential partners on the internet can tempt you to put off your own goals and desires. That dream trip to Thailand? Better not until I have someone by my side. The dance class? Stupid on your own. "Such thoughts are linked to the idea Once he or she is here, my life will be completely different. But it makes much more sense not to focus on the distant future, but on the present. I'm single at the moment, yes, but how do I use the time for myself?" says Schweiger.

People who stop swiping forever are not giving up on finding a partner. They may have simply realized how full their lives already are - and that it is possible to meet people in other ways. "The other day, I raised my arms on the way home and a man asked me: 'Are you a butterfly? The encounter didn't turn into a relationship, but the 45-year-old found one shortly afterwards while dancing in a club.

"Turn off the apps first"

Winter also met her most recent "flings", as she calls them, all offline: "in bars, at work or on vacation, the classic way". And Herzog now says of herself: "I've developed a certain self-love and know that I don't need a relationship to be happy."

Of course, Tinder and what they're all called can enrich your life, says psychotherapist Schweiger. You get to meet new people and experience wonderful things. "But if you realize: they're not good for me, I'm falling into patterns of behavior that I don't feel comfortable with or I've developed a fear of rejection, then you just turn off the apps for the time being." After all, this is not a rejection of love.

dpa