Germany Ullrich back in the spotlight: "Life backpack has become lighter"

Jan Ullrich is particularly looking forward to his trip to Italy. After so many years - some of them dark - finally being back at the Tour de France, even if only for a few days as an onlooker, is a "highlight" for the 50-year-old. "Cycling still defines my life. It's my passion, my great love," says the once acclaimed and then fallen Tour champion from 1997 in an interview with the German Press Agency.

But before the trip to Tuscany - the Tour starts on Saturday in Florence, Italy - Ullrich first had to come to terms with the past. In his book "Himmel, Hölle und zurück ins Leben" (Heaven, Hell and Back to Life), published on Tuesday, the Rostockian reveals deep insights after he had already come to terms with his doping period in a documentary in November. "The backpack of life has become lighter," says Ullrich, who admits that he fell "really, really low" during his life crises. He has learned from this. "It doesn't catch up with me anymore," says the former cycling star. That's why he is certain that he "no longer needs the extremes" that he used to seek.

A life of extremes is documented on 272 pages. Growing up in Papendorf near Rostock, Ullrich recounts how he was sometimes ignored by his father in his childhood ("To him, I was air"), even beaten after wetting the bed and haunted by self-doubt. Through sport and his extraordinary talent, Ullrich gained attention and a life with structures that ultimately took him to the top, to "cycling heaven".

"Horror movie" with doping doctor Fuentes

Tour winner, Olympic champion, world champion - Ullrich was everybody's darling, the pop star on two wheels who captivated millions of people in front of the television every July. Until his world collapsed due to the doping scandal. He was found to be connected to doping doctor Eufemiano Fuentes and had carried out autologous blood transfusions in Spain. It was like being "in a very, very wrong horror movie". "I fell into a hole. A very, very deep hole," writes Ullrich.

The cycling star ("I fell into a deep depression") numbed his frustration with alcohol, then with cocaine. Under the influence of alcohol, he caused a car accident in May 2014 and subsequently went to rehab. He wanted to start again with his wife Sara on Mallorca - but it didn't help. Depression again, alcohol again - and finally separation from his wife and children. "Sara couldn't take it anymore. She now had to build a protective shell around her heart so that it wouldn't be completely shattered," reports Ullrich: "If she didn't leave now, she would break. She knew that. And I knew it too."

Finca on Mallorca like "rock star hell"

What followed was a complete crash. Ullrich numbed himself with cocaine, wine and whiskey. His finca became "rock star hell", as he writes: "Actors, artists, criminals, rockers, milieu people. Everyone was welcome here." To pay for his cocaine consumption, he once took a sports bag full of money from the bank and poured it out in his bedroom. "Whenever a dealer came in or an employee wanted to be paid, I brought him into my bedroom and told him to just help himself," says Ullrich.

After an argument with neighbor Til Schweiger, he briefly ended up in prison, which according to Ullrich resembled a "cellar hole". The walls were smeared with faeces. "I had never seen anything so disgusting." Eventually, Ullrich returned to Germany, underwent rehab and even received support from his former adversary Lance Armstrong ("I hugged him"). Ullrich now lives in Merdingen in the Black Forest again. "Maybe I had to cross all my boundaries once, just so that I could find my center at some point."

Ullrich draws lessons from his life

Chapter by chapter, Ullrich has reflected on his life and learned his lessons. Coming to terms with it was "super important" for him and the positive feedback from people did him good. He has torn down many bridges in recent years that need to be rebuilt. Ullrich, who occasionally acts as a Eurosport expert during the Tour, is apparently on the right track, even if it has taken "strength and overcoming".

It was only at the weekend that he spoke to cycling president Rudolf Scharping after a long period of radio silence. "Possible joint projects" were discussed, the former defense minister reported. Ullrich would also like to make peace with the Tour organizers, where he, like Armstrong, is one of the undesirables. "The time is ripe for us to say: Now we'll draw a line under it - in recognition also of the mistakes I've made. I am a Tour de France winner and am part of Tour history. (...) I think it's important to be open to a conversation," says Ullrich. Perhaps the opportunity will arise in Italy.

SDA