New book from the "Bares für Rares" star How do you tell real friends from fake friends, Mr. Lichter?
Horst Lichter, presenter of the TV show "Bares für Rares", has written a book about friendships. "When I'm with a friend, I feel safe," says the 62-year-old in an interview with blue News.
No time? blue News summarizes for you
- In his new book "Zeit für Freundschaft?!",Horst Lichter talks about existing and past friendships.
- In an interview with blue News, the 62-year-old presenter of the TV show "Bares für Rares" explains what constitutes a friendship for him and how he believes love differs from friendship.
- "Friendship doesn't calculate, doesn't add up and doesn't demand anything," says Lichter.
Mr. Lichter, in your book "Time for friendship?!" you talk about existing and past friendships in your life. In a nutshell: what does friendship mean to you personally?
When I'm with a friend, I feel incredibly secure, because friendship is a feeling.
You wrote the book together with your friend, the comedian and musician Till Hoheneder. How should I imagine that in concrete terms? Did he write one chapter and then you wrote another?
No, we work on it together: we meet, we talk, we record ourselves on tape and then everything is typed up. Then he rewrites, I read and rewrite, send it back and he writes to me again - until we have found what I said and meant. Till is unbelievable, he can really take himself back. I couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else as well as with him.
How many friends do you have?
Not a handful, but otherwise a large circle of friends.
How do I maintain a friendship properly?
Always be yourself, don't pretend and be honest and sincere.
Do you always have enough time to maintain your friendships?
Everyone has the same amount of time, everyone has 24 hours a day. It just depends on how you fill it and how you use it. I think my real friends know how much time I have for them and what their friendship is worth to me.
You write in your book that friendship is not a plant that needs to be constantly nurtured. Does distance and not seeing each other really matter if two people like each other?
Well, likeability is something else. Likeability is only a small part of a friendship, because I can also like a dog or a stranger if they look nice.
No, it has to be something deeper if you really like someone a lot and are really friends with them. Then you understand that the other person may sometimes have less time, but you don't question the friendship directly. Friendship doesn't calculate, doesn't add up and doesn't demand anything.
There are experts who believe that relationships sometimes work better at a distance. Because the people involved are more intimate with each other. Especially when they communicate with each other in writing. Do you think so too?
That varies from case to case. There are people who are so offended that they break off contact and there are other people who celebrate and are really happy when you think of them and get in touch. Mutual understanding is, I think, the most important thing.
What makes a friendship intimate apart from joint activities?
Listening and speaking up sometimes. Simply feeling when the other person is in a good mood or when they are not in a good mood and need something else.
Why again is the relationship between two spouses different from a friendship?
There can be a friendly relationship in a marriage without any problems, but one is love and the other is friendship. That is a big difference. Only those who love each other properly would also be able to hate each other.
Friends will never hate each other, but they will never love each other either. You may love your friend in a different way, but I believe that love is something much higher. It requires even more work, even more effort, passion and has a spark of friendship.
How much truth is there in the saying "Birds of a feather flock together"?
There is a lot to it. If you are in the same environment, meet the same people, do the same hobbies, then like and like automatically like to join forces.
It's relatively rare for a polo player to walk past a football pitch somewhere (editor's note: in Germany, a football pitch is usually a football pitch set up by the local authority for communal use) and say: "Oh, I'm going to stop my horse here and have a look." That's a bit difficult, but it can happen.
With your growing success as a TV presenter, why did it become increasingly difficult to distinguish true friends from false ones?
Because there are people who are too good at pretending. Nowadays you don't know exactly - it usually comes out later - who is trying to show off with whom, why, or who is using you as a door opener.
That's very dangerous, which is why I'm glad that I have enough people around me, just like my beloved wife, who knew me when I wasn't yet successful.
You are 62 years old. Have you found a recipe in recent years for finding people who are good for you?
There is no recipe, but when I feel good, I feel good and then it's good.
What do you do if a friend talks badly about you behind your back: do you turn the person in or simply block their number on your smartphone?
I will confront them, because it's interesting to know why they're doing it. But that's different in every case ...
You also mention a few celebrities in your book. What characteristic do you particularly appreciate about your TV colleague and friend Jenke von Wilmsdorff?
He is a mercilessly honest, incredibly great person and a great man with whom you can cry and laugh or make nonsense. He stands by his word. He is one of the very few genuine people in this world.
When was the last time you treated a friend badly - and what did you do afterwards to make amends?
You don't treat friends badly. It can happen that you don't take the time you should because you're not in a good mood or you're stressed. But a real friend has already understood that at that moment and that's why we don't have to make amends.
Do you value your friends more as you get older than you used to?
Yes, there are just fewer of them.
Many people feel lonely at Christmas time because they no longer have a family or have distanced themselves from them. Can friends replace family?
Perhaps you should know that the word "friends" was originally the word for family. You can actually look that up: It didn't used to be called family, but friends, and that meant family.
What you should know is that when you get really old, very old, many of your friends and relatives die off and then you get lonely. That's difficult because then the old people are no longer taken seriously by the young - they want to patronize you like they do with children, and then it can be that they get very lonely and they probably miss their friends more than their family.
How have your friendships changed since you wrote the book "Time for friendship?
You actually think about it a bit more intensively and I still have conversations about it all the time because people, including friends, ask me about it. Then you discuss what you should and shouldn't ask for in a friendship, or whether you should ask for or expect something. All in all, I believe that the feeling is the most important thing.
Mr. Lichter, now that you've done so much research on friendship, I'm sure you know this too: in your opinion, can women and men be best friends at all?
It is certainly possible in individual cases. Ideally even if they have been married and then get on extremely well, because then they have really earned each other's respect and know how the other feels. Nevertheless, it may be possible in some way, but probably not in most cases.