Couples therapist on arguments in a relationship "Reconciliation sex as a reward does happen"
From heated discussions to ice-cold silence: arguments in relationships are part of the game. Couples therapist Bettina Disler explains which method can help a couple get to the heart of the problem more quickly.
No time? blue News summarizes for you
- Some conflicts are so deep-seated that couples can no longer find a way out of the argument.
- "It may sound absurd," says Bettina Disler in an interview with blue News, "but as long as the other person is arguing with you, they are still interested in me."
- The couples therapist then explains how two people who have fallen out can find a way of dealing with a crisis that works for both sides.
Ms Disler, the Bible says: "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder." The Catholic Church in particular takes this sentence very seriously. Is it possible to save a relationship that no longer works?
What exactly do you mean by "no longer working"?
I'm talking about a relationship in which people argue loudly every day and the partners regularly hurt each other verbally.
If two people often hurt each other verbally, that's part of their relationship. The question arises: if this part is to be removed, what will take its place?
I don't quite understand that now.
In order to understand the reason for arguing, a distinction can be made between the function and the content, and often it's not just about the content.
About the person: Bettina Disler
Bettina Disler is a systemic couples and sexual counselor and a member of the German Society for Sexual Research (DGfS). After studying directing at the Zurich University of the Arts (ZHdK) and the New York Film Academy (NYFA), she directed several operas and films. This was followed by a master's degree in sexual health at the Lucerne University of Applied Sciences and Arts (HSLU) and in systemic sex therapy at the International Society for Systemic Therapy in Heidelberg (IGST), as well as numerous further training courses. Disler lives and works in Zurich.
But what?
Arguing can also be a form of making contact. It may sound absurd, but as long as the other person is arguing with you, he or she is still interested in me. It's often also about feeling each other: friction is known to generate warmth.
It is often claimed that couples argue so that they can have great make-up sex afterwards. True or not?
Reconciliation sex as a reward does happen. However, arguing can also have the function of putting distance between the parties involved - for example, if a couple is too close to each other. In this case, it's a question of the couple's closeness-distance balance.
How can a couple find a way of dealing with a crisis that works for both sides?
By seeking couples counseling together, for example, the sooner the better. It's about taking the time and space as a couple. To talk to each other in such a way that both feel understood and then find a solution together on how they want to emerge from the crisis as a team.
Are there specific signs that indicate that an appointment with a couple's counselor is urgently needed?
If a couple has the feeling that they are at an impasse, this is certainly not a bad time to get back on track together with a neutral person.
Why do couples find it so difficult to deal with their own relationship?
Unfortunately, we don't learn how to form relationships at school, which is why some people feel overwhelmed by this topic. We learn a lot from our parents about how or how not to do things and then try to do the same in our own relationship.
Interestingly, we choose people who are different from us in certain respects - precisely because we intuitively know that we can grow together through these differences. However, growing goes hand in hand with change, and opening up to this is not easy for many people.
Does not dealing with your own relationship possibly have to do with the fear of ruining the partnership?
I don't quite understand that question. If you're not interested in your relationship, why are you in one at all? After all, you don't set up a company and don't concern yourself with it - unless you're planning to file for bankruptcy soon.
You've misunderstood me: People who are concerned with their marriage often see this as the first evidence that there is a problem ...
... or she or he is solution-oriented.
Do you do certain exercises with couples who come to you with arguments?
Yes, we look together at how the couple can switch from arguing to negotiating.
How does that work?
It's about understanding what function the sender and receiver have in a conversation and what mail is sent back and forth.
When arguing, couples bombard each other with painful accusations; when negotiating, they send each other messages that help them on their way. The good thing is that almost all accusations can be turned into constructive messages.
What effect do the couples have on you at the next meeting?
They are interested in moving forward together and are motivated to find a consensus despite their differing positions. It is often no longer a case of being against each other, but rather an awareness of working together, i.e. teamwork.
How can reparation succeed?
By both parties getting involved in the process and taking responsibility. At some point, they reach a point where they can let go of the old and focus on the present together again.
There are couples who stay together despite all the problems. When would you advise a separation?
I never advise a couple to separate, nor do I advise them to stay together. They have to decide that for themselves.