"Bares for Rares" star Horst Lichter: "Husband and wife can't be best friends"

Horst Lichter, known from "Bares für Rares", takes his readers on a journey through his most emotional memories in his new book "Zeit für Freundschaft?!" - and reveals emotional depths in the process.

Horst Lichter has rarities in store, but this time not in his TV format, but in his new book "Zeit für Freundschaft?!", which was published by Knaur-Verlag on October 1.

In the follow-up to the bestseller "Keine Zeit für Arschlöcher" (2022), the presenter surprises us with stories from his childhood in the brown coal district, looks back on his experiences with his first girlfriend and shows a lovingly emotional side over 208 pages.

The man with the characteristic moustache worked on the book for over a year, discovering ever new facets of interpersonal relationships. "At first I was delighted and thought it would be a book with great anecdotes that would make you laugh out loud," he reveals in the interview. But the truth goes much deeper and can sometimes be sad.

The result is a book that is full of emotions and memories that make Horst Lichter (62), a private man, even more likeable than he already seems when he greets his guests with the words "Hello, I'm Horst" and retains the personal form of address in this interview.

You like to offer your guests the first name even though you don't even know them. Why do you do that?

Horst Lichter: I think it's a very nice, healthy basis if you meet people openly. In most languages in the world, there is no "you" at all. And I can always say later: "Now I'm Mr. Lichter for you." You should simply give what you would like to receive - and that is politeness, friendliness and respect. If you do that, you have the basis for a friendship.

So from now on, the "you": In your book, you have dealt with the topic of friendship from a very personal perspective. As you write, you went through 1000 thoughts. Which of them has remained particularly present?

I wrote in stages, for three to five days at a time, then not for a while to clear my head. I always gained new insights in the process. The most memorable one was that I never want to meet my best friend. I told my wife this and she asked: "Why is that?" Quite simply because people believe that their best friend only shows up in emergency situations, i.e. when they are seriously ill, have an accident or are in dire financial straits. If that's what it takes to get to know your best friend, then I really don't want to.

Lichter: "Physical closeness provides comfort, trust and support"

You wrote the book together with your friend Till Hoheneder. How can we imagine that?

We took a room in a small hotel guesthouse. So we had a room where we could meet, eat something and have a drink. Then we started talking and recorded the conversations. Sometimes we talked about all sorts of things first and then got into the subject. If it got too exhausting, we digressed too far or someone had to cry, we turned off the tape. At the end, I wrote the whole thing down in my own words. Till's help was essential. We know each other very well and were able to really get to the heart of the matter, because I really wanted to get close to the truth.

In the book, you even remember the friendship you had with your cousin as a three-year-old and write: "We looked forward to each other. We played and laughed, and we got up to a lot of nonsense together." Is that your recipe for a good friendship?

That's what makes a friendship for me, but I've learned that something different is important for everyone. However, there are certain parameters that everyone wants to have in a friendship. For example, you have to be able to trust a friend and you have to like them. However, that's not enough, because I have complete trust in my accountant and I really like her, but she's not my friend. There's more to it than that.

What would that be for you?

When I see someone I like and who is part of my circle of friends, I want to hug them. This physical closeness provides comfort, trust and support. I notice relatively quickly when I get on with someone. Then we can just talk nonsense without any real factual content and laugh about it to tears. We can also talk about things that are very serious and very important without one of us getting angry and dismissive. So there are many things that make up a friendship for me.

"Your whole life revolves around the table"

What role does food play for you?

I had two career aspirations as a child, one was carpentry and the other was cooking. Both had the same ulterior motive. Even as a child, I loved it when everyone sat around a table and ate. Your whole life revolves around the table. There's a wonderful meal at a christening, at a communion too, and on a first date you go out to eat with the girl, even if you're not hungry. At engagements, weddings and even funerals, you sit together at the table. I love people and wanted to bring them together. I either wanted to build the table where they sit or cook the food that brings them to the table. Eating together strengthens the bonds between people.

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Do you think a man and a woman can be best friends?

No. That can only happen if they were once a couple, are no longer a couple and are each in a new, excellent relationship. Only then can they become best friends because they both know each other really well and used to love each other. But then the desire for the other is no longer there. Otherwise, one is always secretly in love with the other, but would never admit it because it would jeopardize the friendship.

You also write that you wouldn't call your wife your best friend ...

A marriage or partnership is different from pure friendship. Of course my wife is also my friend, but not in the sense of the actual concept of friendship. Let me give you an example: I love motorcycles. If I were to say to my wife now: "Honey, I've seen a motorcycle, I'd like to have it." She would say: "You have enough motorcycles, you can only ride one anyway." My buddy, on the other hand, would say: "Sensational, yes, make the collection bigger. I'd buy that too." There are other motives behind this. I know that my wife will definitely stand by me like a friend because she loves me. And of course I empathize with a friend when he has a problem, but my partner is a part of me.

You interviewed your son for your book and you came to the conclusion that you are friends. He is also a part of you. Is that possible then?

It is conditionally possible. I would like all my children to be my friends. But that's not possible because as a father you never get rid of the feeling that you want to protect and raise them. My son will realize this when his children are old enough. He can be friends with them, but he is and remains the dad, and he also has to forbid things, he has to show the way, give advice and be able to say "no" sometimes. A friend can't do that, he can only give advice, if at all.

You explain in your book that friendship is not a plant that needs to be constantly nurtured. Does distance make no difference if you like each other?

Yes, for me it does. There are people who want to hear their friend regularly, take care of each other and be there for each other. And if they don't have them on the phone every day, they think they don't care about them, that other things are more important to them and reproach them. For me, that doesn't go together. Life offers so many things and so many things change.

For example?

It could be that a partnership suddenly takes precedence over friendship. If I love a woman and we start a new life, then my friends automatically take a back seat. But my wife will never forbid me from seeing them. There may also be professional reasons. Life can change in such a way that I have less time. A friend should understand this and say: "If he doesn't get in touch, he's probably fine." If you want to hear your friend, then just call him, I think.

"The book has changed a lot"

Do you think the internet makes it easier to find friends?

Lichter: I don't know if my personal opinion is that popular, but I would really love for this thing to be completely off for six months. Then a lot of things would be different again and you could see the world around you a little better. The internet makes everything more difficult when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Why do you think that?

I think the internet is very impersonal, it can lie and is therefore dangerous. When someone sits opposite me, I have the feeling that I can tell pretty quickly whether they're telling me nonsense. He can wear make-up, but he can't change his face and body with a filter. On the internet, I can also consider deleting the one sentence I've just written. I can even tell an AI to help me write a love letter to anyone in the world. In the end, I get a result that makes me think: "Old Swede, I couldn't have done that." But that's wrong.

In your opinion, do friends become more important as you get older?

Yes, and less often. After a certain age, you realize that you are slowly but surely entering a more lonely time. I'll try to explain this with an example: Between the ages of 25 and 55, you are recognized by young and old people. But what do we think about children at this age: "You have to look after them, they're just fooling around, they can't think straight yet." The same goes for the elderly: "God in heaven, how unreasonable, he walks without a stick, he still works in the garden and goes up the tree! Yes, is he insane, we need to get him into a nursing home." In other words, the middle class feels the need to patronize both sides and look after them.

And beyond this middle?

When you get older, you realize at some point that half of your school class is already dead and only the neighbors' children or new people live in the street where you grew up. The old people have gone and it's getting lonelier and lonelier. When you tell stories to younger people and look closely, you realize that they often only listen out of sympathy. They say: "Yes, come on, let the old man tell his story. He's happy when I'm there." Then you have fewer and fewer people around you who really understand you, who really love you and take you seriously.

Without friends, older people often feel very lonely ...

That's why I know people who are very old and would like to leave because there's no one around. Even when they go on outings, they often just feel like they're being taken along. It's very difficult to have real friends at that age. Some people then see their dog, cat or horse as their best friend. Because the animal is loyal, it is always there, honest, it doesn't cheat and is happy.

That's a sad facet of friendship.

Yes, of course, but unfortunately it's the truth. If you think about friendship, you realize that it's a heavy topic. What is friendship in childhood, adolescence, adulthood and later? It's all very difficult, even when it comes to animals. We have a dog, I love this animal more than anything and would do anything to make it feel good. But it can never become my friend.

Why?

As a friend, it has to speak my language. Of course there are people who say: "My dog understands me, he knows exactly when I'm well and when I'm not." But it can't talk to them, and it will never say that something is wrong or argue with them. A friend should do that and that's why it's a love for the animal, but not a friendship with it.

Do you perceive your relationships with the people around you differently after writing this book?

The book has changed a lot. While writing it, I naturally wanted to hear other opinions and kept asking other people what a friend is to them. This automatically started discussions and I realized, among other things: "Man, I'd like to have you as a friend too" or "Thank God we're not friends". The book made me more aware.

Did it also show you something surprisingly beautiful?

The fact that you can find friendships again was a very nice realization for me. There are lost friendships, for example between people who have grown apart or who have drifted apart due to misunderstandings. But I believe that what you lose, you can also find again. Then you start again together and are happy that you've found each other.

Is that happening to you right now?

It happened before the book came out. I now live back in the region where I used to live, and one or two people suddenly set off to see people they haven't seen for a long time. When people suddenly reappear after many decades and ask how you've been, it's wonderful. These are moments when friendship mixes with the feeling of home.

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