More break-ups in winter Couples counselor: "There's a certain amount of pressure at Christmas"
Statistically, there are more break-ups before Christmas. Why do so many relationships fail just before the festival of love? Couples and sex counselor Bettina Disler has some advice.
Bettina Disler, do you enjoy going to work?
Very much. Why do you ask me that?
I think you can have happier people to deal with in your job than couples who come to you with relationship problems.
The fact is, the couples who come to me are looking for a change in their relationship. They want to solve a problem and I find that extremely exciting - also because they have goals and the motivation is correspondingly high. I think accompanying people on their journey is one of the best things about my job.
Is it true that more couples than usual break up at the end of fall, just before Christmas?
I don't keep any statistics on this. However, I do notice that there is a certain amount of pressure shortly after the summer vacations and around Christmas.
There are even studies that prove this. Social psychologists investigated the relationship status of Facebook profiles over a longer period of time. They found that there is a real wave of break-ups around Christmas.
About the person: Bettina Disler
Bettina Disler is a systemic couples and sexual counselor and a member of the German Society for Sexual Research (DGfs). After studying directing at the Zurich University of the Arts (ZHdK) and the New York Film Academy (NYFA), she directed operas and numerous films. This was followed by a master's degree in sexual health at the Lucerne University of Applied Sciences and Arts (HSLU) and numerous further training courses. Disler lives and works in Zurich.
Couples often want to give their relationship another chance during the summer vacations and then come to the realization that the relationship no longer has a future. The inevitable consequence is a break-up at the beginning of winter - but before that happens, some couples want to try couples therapy. As a last chance, so to speak.
How do you manage to remain neutral and keep your distance during counseling?
It is part of my understanding of my role as a couples therapist to always remain neutral. For me, the focus is much more on achieving the goals of the people who come to me for advice together.
Everyone probably knows this from their own circle of friends: the feeling that a person has persisted in a toxic relationship for too long and the need to say to them: don't do this to yourself any longer, it's not going anywhere. How do you deal with such relationships as a couples therapist?
I often explain to couples that couples therapy does not always lead to them staying together - it can also end in separation. Couples counseling is an exploration between staying together and breaking up.
What does the hint of a possible separation trigger in your clients?
Some couples are scared, others say: "That's why we're here." The question of which partnership should separate is then often discussed. Couples who have children together remain parents for the rest of their lives. So you can't separate in a parental partnership, but you can in a romantic and sexual partnership.
If you look back on over 10 years of experience as a couples and sexual counselor: Do break-ups go more decently today than they used to?
I can't really answer that question. But what I notice time and again when it comes to break-ups is that in many cases, the partners have a different view of the current relationship situation.
What do you mean by that?
Let me give you an example: While someone has already given a lot of thought to a possible separation, the other person is lagging behind, even believing that everything is still the same as before. In a situation like this, it is essential that the person who wants to break up doesn't wait any longer and takes the step to do so.
Many studies show that almost everyone wants to find that great love that lasts forever. Nevertheless, it often doesn't work out. Why is that?
It would be more interesting to find out why it does work out for some people. What I've also noticed is that more and more younger people are convinced that true love doesn't exist. Some therefore see the solution in loving several people at the same time, i.e. in the so-called polyamorous relationship model.
I'm going to be bold and say that more people in a relationship equals more problems.
But that's what you said. From my practical experience, I can say that the polyamorous relationship model is certainly no easier to handle than the monogamous one. Just as an open relationship or the swinger model bring many challenges with them.
Is there ever any security in love?
No. Nothing in life is made to last forever. But that's exactly what makes life so exciting.
Do you personally still believe in the concept of marriage?
I believe in the concept of love and am a big fan of it.
Every separation is different - do you still have any tips on how a woman or man should best deal with a separation?
It's very important that the person affected does some soul-searching and thinks about what they brought to the relationship and what they did not.
Self-criticism is therefore required.
That's how it is. A relationship always consists of two or more parties. Of course I can claim that the other person is entirely to blame for the current misery, but this is only really the case in a few cases.
In your practice, you are sure to experience time and again that one of the two partners specializes in the role of victim.
It is easy to take the victim position and claim that the other person is to blame for everything instead of trying to take responsibility and admit that you have also contributed to the situation.
Have you ever been dumped?
Yes, I was ghosted once.
Excuse me?
I had a partner who disappeared from my life from one day to the next - never to be seen again. At the time, however, I didn't know that there would one day be a term for it.
Back to the topic of "Christmas and break-ups": What is the current situation in your practice?
Of course, there are couples who come to me now because they say it's five to twelve, and some even say it's five past. But I also have couples who have been coming to me regularly for years ...
... because the crisis never passes?
No (laughs). The couples come in regularly every few months because they want to avoid getting into a serious crisis again.
How often do such couples come to you?
One to four times a year.
Is it still mostly women who initiate couples therapy?
I wouldn't say that - in my practice the ratio is fairly even.
Can you learn something from one relationship for the next?
Absolutely. But not everyone does it straight away.
My conclusion from our conversation today: being able to manage a relationship is therefore not a given.
That's right - managing a relationship is an art and, at best, you do it with a lot of love.
