Rapper stress "The depression hit me hard and I was a bad friend"

Stress is one of the most successful Swiss musicians. But his success has a dark side: The rapper suffered from depression. In his biography, he talks about beatings, break-ups, suicidal thoughts - and why he still doesn't let them get him down.

"Today, I am convinced that we often gain more in the moments when we are the supposed losers than when we are proclaimed the winners. Defeats make you stronger. We should stop judging them only negatively."

When I met rapper Stress for an interview last March to talk to him about his new album "Libertad", we also talked about his depression. And about a meeting with singer Stefanie Heinzmann. The two have been friends for many years.

I already knew that Stress suffered from depression. He sings about it on "Sincèrement", his album from 2019. But I didn't know how bad the effects of the shadows on his soul really were. And what triggered them.

"Stefanie Heinzmann pulled me out"

The biography of Stress has now been published: "179 pages of Stress. The life of Andres Andrekson". A book like a punch in the face. In it, the musician tells "Republik" journalist Daniel Ryser about his life.

Relentlessly. Honestly. Blow by blow.

It's a book about a successful musician and seemingly tough guy who at some point realizes that he has depression. And needs help.

"The depression hit me hard: Not only was I a bad friend to Ronja (Furrer, editor's note), I also completely crapped out with music and was actually pretty sure: stress was over. The singer Stefanie Heinzmann pulled me out of it ... At the time when I was slowly fighting my way out of my depression, we had a long conversation backstage at an open air show."

While reading Stress's biography, I only really realized what the aforementioned conversation with Stefanie Heinzmann was really about.

And how decisively the singer from Valais influenced the Estonian-born rapper's life.

"Fuck you all"

Andres Andrekson is one and a half years old when his father beats him half to death. He is five years old when his mother flees with him and his sister from their violent father.

The beatings remain part of everyday life. His mother beats him with a belt. When she realizes that her son is suffering from welts, she tells him that he is not allowed to take part in sports lessons.

"So you have to say that you forgot your sports kit, even though you didn't forget your fucking sports kit, and then you'll get a beating from the teacher and new welts and bruises. Fuck you all."

At the age of twelve, the family moved to western Switzerland. Shortly afterwards, rap music entered Andres Andrekson's life. The situation at home is still not good. However, the 13-year-old had his own room for the first time. He locks himself in there, listens to music and starts dancing.

The music becomes a lifeline, but the beatings are not over. At some point, Stress strikes back. The violence still accompanies him in his dreams to this day, even though the 45-year-old says he hasn't had a fight in five years.

"Sometimes I dream about violence today. It's always the same dream. I get into a fight and have to strike, but I can't. My arms are paralyzed. My arms are paralyzed."

"I was trapped in this extremely toxic relationship"

What musician Stress tells journalist Ryser on the 179 pages is "more blatant than much of what I have heard as a reporter so far". But the biography is also a beautiful piece of Swiss music history.

It tells the story of a man who reaches the top professionally and at the same time constantly fights against the violence that wants to destroy his life. And every time you think things can't get any worse, the next blow comes.

The biography is also about the women in the musician's life. Stress talks about Iréne, his first wife.

"I was trapped in this extremely toxic relationship. On the one hand, she was violent and completely freaked out, which pushed me away from her. On the other hand, she was terminally ill, which made me feel infinitely sorry for her and kept me with her."

The break-up with Ronja Furrer is an issue. Stress, who is currently in a relationship again, says he doesn't know how to end things. And he wonders whether he still has enough energy to build something new again. After all, he would like to have children.

The musician also thinks getting married is cool. Apart from divorce, he therefore recommends a wedding to anyone and everyone. It's a great experience. The wedding with Melanie (Winiger, editor's note) was one of the best days of the musician's life.

However, he doesn't recommend honeymoons: "I almost died doing it." (Cliffhanger!)

"Hanging myself in the forest"

He would like to have more fun in life, says Stress. He also believes that this would be possible. At the same time, he has the feeling that he only really feels at ease in hardship and challenges.

During his depression, Stress reveals in his biography, he also thought about suicide. He thought about where he could end his life. He didn't want to do it in his own home. Otherwise it would be cursed.

"I walked through the forest: it would be possible here. Hanging myself in the forest. But what if someone found me? They would be traumatized for life."

Depression means that things disappear. That clouds of fog settle over a person. You don't give a shit, but you carry on regardless. A lethargy that Stress found quite relaxing.

Nevertheless, at some point he realized that he needed help. And he got it.

"The good thing about all the grief of the past few years is that through therapy I learned to find happiness in the little things. I had lost this awareness due to all the stress. I was running through my life, no longer realizing anything. Didn't realize where I was. How I was doing. What I had actually achieved."

"179 pages of stress.The life of Andres Andrekson", Daniel Ryser, Echtzeit Verlag, 179 pages, 34 francs.

Book launch at the Literaturhaus Zürich: Monday, November 14, 7:30 pm, Stress and Daniel Ryser will be on stage together.